I wanted to say thanks. Thanks for nothing, that is.
Due to the excessive size of my baby at this point I have agreed to a planned c-section (don't you dare call it "elective" - this is not something I want to do for my own or anyone else's convenience). I was not bullied or forced by the evil doctors. My doctor cried with me when she saw the ultrasound report. She wanted me to have my VBAC as much as anyone.
I am not some naif being a good little girl following doctor's orders - "Oooh, my doctor says my baby is going to be 9 lbs so I have to have a c-section, hyuck hyuck hyuck." I am well aware that being bigger does not mean more developed. However, there is the issue of waiting = bigger. Bigger means at the very least, the smallest malposition means getting stuck and no room to maneuver back. Also pardon me for not wanting my baby poked and prodded and harassed any more than it already will be, and pardon me for not wanting to be on the fucking news.
And I don't care who you are, acting like you would be all for having a VBAC with a baby you know will be over 12 lbs makes me call bullshit. Nobody would be ok with that. NOBODY. I'm not going to put my body and mind through what I went through with Elsa - days of agony only to end in a c-section anyway, which if I wait may not be able to be performed by my doctor. It pisses me off to hear your stupid platitudes about not growing a baby so big you can't birth it, or how some friend of a friend knows someone who had a 14 pounder naturally with no problem, or how so-and-so's ultrasound said 12 lbs and it was only 7.
No, I don't want your useless advice about pushing positions and how to refuse medical interventions. I want support as someone who has spent years reading and researching and trusts the natural birth process, but is unable to experience it through no fault of my own. I want sympathy as someone with completely shitty options and no choice but to go with one of them. I want understanding that none of you knows what I am dealing with, no matter how high your goddamn horse is, and you have no right to second guess me or make me feel like I have to justify my choice.
I've gotten more support from mainstream people. People who may not get why VBAC was so important to me, and why I'm grieving the loss of it, but understand that it is important. These are people who don't care how they birth, but realize that I do, and that this is hard for me. These are the people who are supposed to be ignorant and close-minded. But they aren't treating me like a leper because they don't understand - they're being kinder to me because of it.
So, essentially, fuck you.