I'm just putting down some of my last thoughts before we leave. I made sure to catch the women's gymnastics team final live because I doubted I'd be able to watch tonight. Elsa is napping, I need to start her diapers since she'll be in sposies while I'm in the hospital. I'm going to run out to the chiropractor for a last adjustment soon, and then when I get back I'll get my bag all together.
It will be a different experience from the first time. That time was the middle of the night, it was snowy, and I thought I would be having my baby in the cozy and happy birth center. I was nervous and excited and didn't know what to expect. Even though this time we'll be calmly driving to a hospital on a bright sickeningly hot day, I still have the same feelings.
This time it's more about how this new person is going to fit into the family we've already made. I didn't worry about that with Elsa - back then it was more about logistics. How will I do day to day tasks, what are babies really like, etc. I'm not scared of caring for a baby this time, but my thoughts run more to how I will love and care for two children at once. Not that that makes me different or special or anything like that - I would guess every person with more than one has thought the same thing.
I'm nervous about the hospital experience. Before it was not planned, and I was desperate for pain relief and by the time a c-section was being considered I was just so over everything. None of it scared me, I just wanted it all to be over. Now, going in without that mindset, I get anxious. The anesthesia, the surgery, the recovery, suddenly being presented with a baby.
I wonder how I will feel after it's over. Right now I'm tired and starving - will I just seamlessly integrate the baby into my routine afterward, or will I cave in and let the nursery keep it for that first night? Will I want to always have it with me like I say now, or will I want breaks from time to time? And will I feel guilty about it? I feel silly, but I wonder if I will know what to do. It's silly because I already wonder that all the time. That's one part of the status quo that won't change - my ability to worry myself in circles.